Scurrilous Skullduggery
Douglas was the Duplo Fire Station Set dog. Like many Dalmatians, he was a bit high strung. What this meant in the real world was that he liked to communicate through various types of biting. It was his signature move, and he was in no way interested in abandoning it.
Here are some examples of communication, Douglas Style: A little snip meant, I love you. A firmer tug, with teeth, perhaps on the errant pant leg, meant: I am hungry; I am thirsty; I need to go out; beware, you are invading my self-space; I don’t feel like waking up just now; or, I love you. Teeth grabbing your hand meant: you annoy me; I have had enough of you; it’s time to teach you a lesson; I have no patience left for you; or, I love you. Teeth breaking the skin meant: you should have removed your hand when you had the chance. Teeth on shoe meant: how dare you put your foot in the general direction of my incisors; or, I love you. Biting snaps into the air meant: dang, I missed; keep away from my food, you Neanderthal; I hate you; I curse the day you were born; I insult the entire human race which you represent; or, I love you. As you can see, understanding Douglas went way beyond weaving through his rather heavy Danish accent. He was a complicated individual who demanded respect, over and over again, as many times as necessary. As so many of us are, and do.
So take, for instance, the time when the crook from the Sky Police Parachute Arrest Set parachuted into the Duplo Fire Station. He had just come to apply for a job as a fireman. The crook was tired of eluding giant hooks which protruded from police jets. The Sky Police really liked to use their new extending hooks. He wanted to go straight, and he thought that floating onto the roof of the Fire Station would make a good entrance. The crook overshot the station, landing instead on the Duplo Fire Truck, (and in so doing, activating the light and sound brick. ) But he did not land the job.
Douglas saw to that by going into full Invader Repulse Mode. You see, Douglas considered the Fire Station to be his dog house, where visitors were never welcome. He expressed this sentiment by biting the former crook’s parachute, four times. Those bites could be roughly translated, Remove Thyself from these Premises, Forthwith. When Douglas felt very passionate about something, he reverted to speaking in Shakespearean English with a lot of Capitalizations.
The poor crook, whose name was Hartford Wagons, and whose nickname was, “ Honey, “ backed away very deliberately ( never turn and run away from a dog. The dog will try to bite you in the butt). Douglas chased, and Honey backed, all the way to his current temporary domicile at the Creator 3-in-1 Modular Skate (Halfway) House. Douglas felt it to be his public duty to personally follow the crook all the way there. Yes, Douglas was the kind of dog who took upon himself the grave responsibility of protecting not just his house, but the entire world.
Since he was trapped inside the Modular Skate (Halfway ) House by the growling Douglas, Hartford used the opportunity to make a new set of curtains out of his parachute, which Douglas had most violently ripped. He hung the curtains in the living room, behind the sofa, and was inspired to consider pursuing his lifelong dream of a career in interior decoration, instead of firefighting. Also, he was inspired to name his new pet rabbit ( which came from the Mia’s House Set ), “ Curtains”. “It’s Curtains for you! “ he told the rabbit.
There is one more thing I would like to tell you about Douglas. There was one person who loved him so much, that Douglas’ multitude of complicated communications sins - er, rather, systems - were covered by a veritable mantle of unconditional love. This person’s name was Saul, but you probably know him better by his last name: Sharkman. Yes, he was a LEGO Shark Suit Guy Keychain; as well as a volunteer fireman in his own right. That is how Douglas came to live at the Duplo Fire Station. Sharkman loved Douglas so much, that he learned Douglas’ particular form of communication. Which is to say, they bit each other, a lot. It was an ideal arrangement, because Sharkman’s fake shark teeth wouldn’t really hurt Douglas. Meanwhile, Douglas had a heck of a time piercing through Sharkman’s genuine Naugahyde Shark suit. And, the keychain was fun to chomp and chew on.
Into this placid setting entered a note of evil. Remember, the title of this story is, “ Scurrilous Skullduggery “. ‘Scurrilous’ means spreading wild stories about someone to hurt their feelings, or, to make a joke which insults someone. Skullduggery means trickery, to be a trickster. This particular note of evil was played by R.O.S. T3-ROV, known as Sgt. Rosthreerov, from the LEGO City Downtown Fire Brigade Set. An ROV is a Remotely Operated Vehicle used to help fire departments, when firefighters might get hurt. In other words, he was a good guy.
But Sgt. Rosthreerov had been programmed by a foul-mouthed, surly fireman mini-fig named Greeble. Greeble was also an amateur magician with the stage name of The Amazing Swivel. His job at the Fire Brigade was programming the Fire Department drones and ROVs. It was only natural that he gave his Remotely Operated Vehicles some of his own characteristics.
Greeble liked making up his own bad words. He programmed these bad words right into the vocabulary used by his favorite ROV, Sgt. Rosthreerov. Because he coined these terms, Greeble also attached a price to each. That charge was automatically added to the price of creating Sgt, Rosthreerov. Here is a partial list of the bad words Greeble programmed his Remotely Operated Vehicle to use. ( Please keep in mind that Greeble’s favorite letter was the first letter of his name ) :
GRUNDY : A person who makes you uncomfortable, and annoys you. Price : $.12.
GREEBOOTS : A fool. Price : $.17.
GRACK : A useless person. Price : $1.00.
GRIMER : ( adjective ) : Woefully unattractive. Price : $.32.
GRIPSTON : A cheater. Price : $.47.
GREPPING : An all purpose insulting word which can be used as a verb, a noun, an adjective, or an adverb. Price ; $.11.
A HEAP of GRECKS : A bothersome group of people. Price : $. 09.
GLANSTONE : A slow-moving oaf. Price : $.78.
GREPPLE : To take surreptitiously. Price : $.64.
GRANZER : To replace something valuable with something of little value. Price : $.56.
GRAZ : A piece of satisfaction, I.e., when you have accomplished a piece of trickery. Price : $.92.
No one had permission to use one of his bad words before they clinked their coins into his little money jar which he had set up in the Fire Department break room. Needless to say, his money jar - he used the honey pot from the Brickheadz Valentine’s Bee - was currently empty, except for the few gold LEGO studs which Greeble had thrown in, himself.
The Downtown Fire Brigade and the Duplo Fire Station had a long standing feud as to which department mascot was best at catching flying discs. That annual competition was part of the Fireman’s Picnic, which took place at People’s Outdoor Adventure Park, on Constitution Day.
Constitution Day celebrates the signing of the Danish Constitution in 1849, establishing Denmark as a constitutional monarchy. It is celebrated June 5. Women were given the right to vote in Denmark on that same date in 1915. Since 1935, it has also been Father’s Day in Denmark. Last year ( 2019 ), it was on a Wednesday.
None of this mattered to Greeble, The Amazing Swivel. All he cared about was wresting the Costitution Day Flying Disc - Catching Title from the filed down teeth of Douglas the Duplo Fire Dog. Douglas had won the contest, three years in a row. The Fire Brigade mascot had traditionally been the cute puppy from Emma’s Ice Cream Truck Set. The puppy’s name was Heinz the Wonder Dog. Heinz was woefully unable to compete with the much larger Duplo dog.
This year, it occurred to Greeble that he could substitute his newly programmed Remotely Operated Vehicle as the Fire Brigade mascot. Heinz was happy to step aside. He had grown tired of “ catching “ a flying disc, in the eye. He joyfully returned to his job cleaning the soft serve machine at the Ice Cream Truck.
It was a bright, sunny 49 degree Fahrenheit in Billund the day of the picnic. Yet Greeble was not deterred from bringing the LEGO City Snow Groomer, equipped with it’s six stud swiveling snowball shooter. The Amazing Swivel fully intended to swivel that snowball shooter in Douglas’ direction. There was nothing in the rules that said you couldn’t bombard the opposing team’s mascot with a barrage of rapidly fired snowballs. At least, not yet.
This year, the disc shooters from the LEGO Oni Titan Set had been chosen to be used to send off the flying discs. The Oni Titan had come apart in several places, so the competition was delayed for minor repairs.
Sgt. Rosthreerov took advantage of this waiting time to try to pysch out his opponent. The Remotely Operated Vehicle shoved his wrench nose into Douglas’ cute little schnoz, and sputtered, “ You’re nothing but a grimer, grepping grack. Plus, you’re a glanstone from that sorry heap of grecks you call a fire department. Today’s the day we granker that trophy with some knock-offs, and man, what a graz that will be. “
Douglas didn’t know quite how to respond to such an onslaught of insult and bad language. He opted for his fall back: he bit Sgt. Rosthreerov in two of his three tires. No translation was necessary.
“ Gripston ! You’re a grepping gripston ! “ exclaimed the ROV. So, Douglas bit him again, this time in his red-sloped backside. The ROV turned and tried to soak Douglas with some water studs. Douglas successfully ducked, and the water studs drenched the Oni Titan’s large feet, causing him to slip.
This was more than Greeble could take. He started pelting Douglas with snowballs, which Douglas obediently caught, and then spit out, landing direct hits on the ROV.
At this point, the Oni Titan totally lost his balance in the stud puddles. As he fell, he shot out two flying discs. Douglas charged after them. He leapt over the stream for the first catch. Then, without missing a step, Douglas bounded up the climbing wall at People’s Outdoor Adventure Park. He lunged and dramatically chomped the second disc, performing quite an amazing mid-air swivel of his own.
Just then, the three level building in the Fire Brigade Set caught fire for the fifth time that day. Greeble hopped aboard the fire ladder truck. He activated it’s light and sound brick. When he arrived at the fire, he set up the truck’s stabilizers. He climbed, extended, and swiveled the ladder into position. He used the water jet function pump system to put out the fire, saving the porta-toilet factory. So, the Amazing Swivel finally got to make himself useful.
It was a good picnic. Because of Douglas’ heroics catching both discs, the Duplo Fire Department retained it’s Hold on the Constitution Day Flying Disc- Catching Title. As sometimes happens, Douglas and Sgt. Rosthreerov became good friends after their scuffle. Saul Sharkman gave the two mascots a sandwich. They were happy to share. Douglas bit the ROV three times, to say I love you. The ROV returned the compliment by calling Douglas a grundy, a greeboots, and a grack, but, all in love.
Later at the Fire Department Picnic, Greeble The Amazing Swivel presented his magic show. A Dementor from the Expecto Patronum Set acted as his charming assistant. Douglas put several LEGO gold coins into Greeble’s honey pot.