Spider-Man Homecoming: What works, what doesn’t, and what could have been instead.

Originally posted 07/2017

We now have a 6th Spider-Man film to add to the pantheon, but as a lifelong Spider-Man fan, I found myself wistfully hoping for something more than I got. I’ve tried writing reviews, recording reactions, but I always end up getting bogged down in frustration, than actual critique. Obviously, that’s not going to fly in a real film study world, so instead, I’m trying a different approach, a simple question, does this work y/n. Here, I hope to address several subjects I found troublesome, by reviewing what the film gave, how it left me feeling, and what I would have liked instead. I’m hoping this helps to clarify my opinion, and show that these are more than the rantings of a comic book purest.

First, some quick credentials for anyone who wonders why they should care about my opinion. Hi, my name is Alfred, I’ve been a Spider-Man fan for 23 years. I’ve read or watched as much Spider-Man content as one man can stand, covering comics from all eras, watching at least some of just about every Spider-Man property (including the terrible MTV show starring Neil Patrick Harris, yes it exists, and it’s awful), and obviously the movies from the last 15 years. I’ve also studied film and cinema for over 15 years, and have the degrees to prove it. I take this nerd stuff seriously (like final project in college being about the psychological effects of Star Wars on the world seriously). I’m going to try and be fair and articulate, but I also get excitable, so strap in.

Spider-Man Homecoming, to me, represents a need not so much to make a really good Spider-Man film (though I’m sure that was their intent) but a Spider-Man film that was visually, and tonally different from the previous 5. I get this, and I would be completely ok with it (I love a good What If story, not to mention super hero stories rely on graceful change), but I feel like the creative forces behind this film saw different as inherently better, rather than different being different, and maybe better, or maybe worse. A What If story is only strong if it takes canon into account when changing things, so the audience can see how changing one element, can change a character, which I feel Marvel was a little too liberal with. Let’s start at the beginning.

1) Peter Parker, the boy, the myth, the legend.

Tom Holland is the new Peter Parker, like it or lump it. I’m of mixed feelings towards him, but that’s largely due to the film he’s in, not his performance; I don’t think he’s bad or wrong for the part. He nailed some of the quips, embodied a lot of the characteristics and values of Peter, and showed that this was a different Parker than we’ve seen before. He has the physicality to pull it off, and is charming and self-effacing enough, to really pull us through the slower moments in the film. In fact, I would go so far as to say I like Holland as Spider-Man, just not as this Spider-Man.

I understand the hesitancy between Marvel and fans, at doing anything that has to do with that lovable, rice enthusiast, Uncle Ben. Cliff Robertson shows up in all three of Rami’s Spider-Man films, and Martin Sheen (my personal favorite, don’t hold it against me, Bartlet for President) was magnetic in his portrayal, even if he couldn’t say those oh so important 6 words (My son, you must save Krypton… no wait, With great power comes great responsibility). Fans have said far and wide that they are sick of the lecture from Ben Parker, friendly electrician, and that’s fine; Marvel even went so far as to say this wouldn’t be an origin story to help defuse tension over another reboot (an idea I was very excited about, until it became clear this was an origin story, just without the spider bite). I love the idea of picking up in the middle of the Web Heads adventures, it’s my ideal, and the way I think Spider-Man works best. We don’t need to see Uncle Ben, or hear the words, 100% agree. Here’s where we hit the rocks, and potential spoilers, depending on how you feel about whether something is even in the movie.

You can’t completely remove Uncle Ben from the story and have it be a Spider-Man story. I’m not talking about the figure, you can dump him out, never reference him by name or sight, or even have his death as a plot device at any point. However, if you take his spirit out of the story, it changes so much, that it would need to be replaced by something of similar, and worthy caliber, yet Marvel clearly disagrees. Here, we see a Peter who has never had an Uncle Ben, probably at all. I would go so far as to say, that Aunt May here, may not even be May Parker (1, 2… yea that’s 3 May’s in on sentence…). I think we’re looking at May Reilly, she has no wedding ring, there’s no sign that she has suffered a significant loss, and while she may be annoyed by the various advances people make on her, which we will need to talk about, she’s not viscerally angered or upset by them. Yes, we do hear that May has been going through “some stuff” but what that is, is never flushed out. Peter too, doesn’t seem to be struggling with a loss of any kind. He’s had his powers less than a year, so he should totally be dealing with a death if there was one (we should see a picture, or have a friend say something to him, if he were dealing with such a loss, but again, there’s nothing there).

Moreover, and here’s the kicker, we don’t see a Ben Parker in Peter’s personality. Peter is a nice guy, but if someone asked me what I thought his call to action was, I wouldn’t be able to say for sure. Maybe he was saved by Tony Stark at the Stark Expo in Iron Man 2 (an idea that’s been being passed, and if true, would be just the substitution this story would require) but there’s no evidence of this in the movie. If it’s called out online, but not in the movie, I can’t admit it as evidence; it’s a fan theory, and a thumping good one I’d wager, but it doesn’t hold sway here. We can only use what we’re given, and right now, we don’t have any lines, any allusions, any pictures or memories of this event. So, we have to go with what we have:

1. Peter tells Tony in Civil War, ‘When you see bad things happening, and you can stop it from happening, and you let the bad thing happen, than it’s your fault’…. (The responsibility line may be over used, but this is really better?)

2. Peter comes back from Germany, and is told he’ll get a call from Tony when/if needed.

3. Peter goes about being a friendly neighborhood wall crawler, until he uncovers the plot of the film, and the story unfolds from there.

We never have a moment where we see Peter turn from teenage boy who just found out he can climb walls, lift cars, etc, to a super hero, and no real reason given for this choice other than, cause it’s morally right. That’s great in sentiment, but I can tell you from first hand experience, if you don’t give a character a reason to crime fight, the whole time you end up asking, but why is he putting himself through this? There doesn’t appear to be any moment where we see what makes Peter tick. Why is he doing this? Why go out every night, other than because Tony said he would call, and Peter wants to impress him? Without any other evidence, I can’t see how he’s not almost solely motivated by Tony Stark. Even with the line in civil war, we don’t really know where that sense of duty comes from. We can assume it’s part of his personality (Peter is a generally good guy, but in all canons, he has to learn the lesson before becoming Spider-Man; he rarely does it just cause it’s right; I doubt most teenage boys would just decide to be heroes in this situation too, especially after years of presumed bullying). And, if the argument is that, we know Peter’s motivation, so why do we need to see it, I counter that we know why EVERY OTHER Peter becomes the Web Swinger, but this one’s history is dramatically and irrevocably different, so his motivations can’t simply fall in line with every other Peter Parker; he’s simply a completely different person, with a very different past.

This becomes a problem as the plot unfolds, because Peter’s motivation seems to swing hard into the camp of ‘I have to impress Tony Stark’, which is not a satisfying reason for him to do all this (at least to me, when compared to other canons). The further he goes down the rabbit hole, the more this is about proving to Tony he’s an Avenger, and should be trusted. Hell, they go so far as to say Peter isn’t responsible enough to be Spider-Man, which as a lifelong fan, that hurts man. If his only reason to be Spider-Man is to prove a point to a man who doesn’t seem all that invested in making sure this kid becomes a great hero, that pales in comparison to every other Peter’s origins.

Think of it in terms of Batman: if Bruce Wayne didn’t become Batman because of his parent’s death, but because he was plucked from obscurity by Ra’z al Ghul at 15, to take part in an adventure, only to be thrown back into the regular world afterwards, Bruce’s relentless drive to be Batman wouldn’t carry the weight or necessity it needs to really drive the story. Peter’s drive comes from guilt, and a need to live up to the beliefs of the single most influential guy in his life; changing that to trying to impress an aloof billionaire, makes Peter feel more like a hard core fan boy, than a man burdened with destiny.

This is a guy who should live and die with responsibility on his mind, any time he could make a difference, he needs to be that difference. Aunt in the hospital, still have to heed the call to action, got a date, too bad the city’s under attack, have Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacy both ready to play nurse maid while you have the flu, you better pretend to be asleep so you can sneak off when they leave they room . If he’s pulled away by something, it’s because he can’t stand to see it go wrong. And I get it, he says the line in Civil War (or a kind of reasonable facsimile), but in this film, it seems more like he’s doing it to prove a point, and because he’s a kid, than because it’s a deeper calling. It’s upsetting to me because I’ve seen this subject handled more deftly by kids shows, than Marvel could here (for further reading, watch the Spectacular Spider-Man cartoon, it’s amazing, and shows what can be done in that same high school setting).

Holland would have been a perfect Peter for me, if his motivation matched his drive and need; without a strong cause to do these things, I ended up more annoyed and wondering why I should even care. I will give out bonus points for bringing back the Courtesy of your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man notes, I always love when these are used. Maybe they weren’t always perfect, but I love having them here.

2) Aunt May: Worrier, sexy, sexy worrier

When Marisa Tomei was cast as Aunt May, I was curious, but not dissuaded from the idea. Yes, Aunt May is usually infirmed, but we have seen that in the movies already, and a younger Aunt May could help bring out the best in a young Peter (especially if you really can’t stand including a Ben Parker). By and large, I was very on board to see how they would use this new, young Aunt May; what kind of storylines do you run with, when you don’t have to worry about May’s heart, and with no Ben Parker to get Peter’s moral compass pointed? About that.

I’m going to attempt to be civil, but that’s hard when one of the single most recognizable characters in a canon is turned into a milf, but hey, I didn’t pull the trigger on that one. Seriously though, what the hell is this? Aunt May doesn’t need to be a beacon, or have her own storyline, but to only keep her as a worrying Aunt, a ditch everything else in favor of pure sex appeal? Seriously?

It’s not just bad, it’s gross. Yes she’s younger, and yes, you’re making a teenage themed film, but really, you’re going all Stifler’s Mom on this one? You couldn’t find a better thing to do with her as a character? Just a pretty woman, who drives him places, nags him, who can’t cook, who tells him to run from danger, who’s parenting skills extend to showing him how to look up youtube videos on tying ties, and how to get ready for a dance, all while every guy in the film leers at her? No, so not ok. I didn’t read anything about morality or greater purpose, nothing character pointed or deep, nothing full of interesting and compelling ideas, just a sex object, how brave of you Marvel.

I’m not even going to talk about how wrong this is in comparison to the lore, because we’re in our own little hot tub now, and I need to talk about how wrong it is to do this in a modern film of any kind. I would have been ok if there was no Uncle Ben, but Aunt May was the one showing Peter how to be a good person (coincidentally, this was apparently going to happen in early drafts of the film. Aunt May would save a child from a disaster Spider-Man was a part of, and when he goes home, she doesn’t say anything about it, showing that a hero can be anyone, and that accolades and achievements aren’t the reason to do something, you know, the opposite of Tony Stark, good counter point, sorely missed by me). If she had the job of being both Mother and Father to Peter (or Aunt and Uncle), or if there was more of her struggle, I could have been more forgiving. You have an Oscar winning actress, who’s been boiled down to a worrying sex object.

Not even a month ago, we saw Wonder Woman light up the screen, drawing a line in the sand that said, weak, nothing female characters will not be tollerated any more. We don’t need this kind of lame, hacky, trashy, sex object nonsense, in any movie, especially not an action movie targeted towards kids. You honestly couldn’t think of anything to do with her as a character beyond her figure? Did you spend a whole day thinking about it, or just the five minutes after someone said, hey, we need a milf if it’s a teen story right? I’m just appalled. In the last three years, we’ve seen that not only should women have a bigger role in films, but in bringing them into the spotlight, a greater film will be made (Mad Max Fury Road, the aforementioned Wonder Woman, Rogue One, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, need I go on?) Gah, so angry, so I’ll end on a lighter note; I did like that Peter called her May instead of Aunt May, been waiting for that one a long time.

3) All the ladies in the club, don’t do anything, you’re here to look nice and maybe have a funny line.

Huh, I thought I left the kitchen, but I appear to have just landed in the fire instead. What female character in this movie is a fountain of conflict or complexity, because I didn’t see any? Michelle is mysterious, but that’s not really a character. We don’t know almost anything about her, and instead, we’re supposed to take drawing sad people, or reading thick books, as deep character traits. Zendaya, who I do like in concept here (as long as she remained Michelle, a totally made up character), was instead just given a handful of lines, most of them to defuse a situation or bring some humor to a quiet moment; she doesn’t really have anything to do besides stare after Peter when he leaves (especially annoying since she’s clearly well read and should be articulate and open with her opinion given her scant lines). That and protest the Washington Monument, so she can be outside to tell Spider-Man “My friends are up there!” Gee, I wouldn’t have guessed, you know from the smoke and the shouting and the light show.

And Liz, oh Liz… oh Liz. Liz, where’s your character, where’s your arc? What are you passionate about, what do you plan to do when you graduate in 3 weeks, what school are you going to, what are you going to study, do you care what Peter does, or are you always going to come back to him no matter what happens, without explanation or conflict (it’s that one, that’s the one she’s going to do). Seriously, I got to the end of this movie, and I knew no more about Liz than when I started it. She is fawned after, an object to be desired by the boys, but beyond finding out she has read coaching books in prep for their academic decathlon, we don’t really learn anything about her. Peter doesn’t seem to have a reason to like her beyond physically, he doesn’t talk about how smart Liz is, or the exciting or cool things she’s doing with… anything? Gwen is a scientist in the Amazing series, MJ is a struggling actress and model, Liz… leads the decathlon team, invites Peter to go swimming and to her party, and goes with him to Homecoming because, what else is she going to do? I honestly don’t know, she seems like a program in the Matrix, designed to just keep Peter moving forward, distracting him long enough to pull us through the movie, and then pop, that’s it. (Quick aside, if you’re thinking, well maybe they’ll come back to this later, that’s not an excuse. A film has to be able to stand on its own, not just be a brief wormhole into another world. You can’t get it in here, than it doesn’t count). I know, there was a lot to get through in 2 hours, I understand, but again, after the last 3 years, you want me to just sit back and watch a movie with no strong (or even slightly depth filled) female characters? Women shouldn’t have to get excited to see strong female representation in film, it should be a goddamn given.

It’s especially annoying, because I can think of a super simple solution in about 30 seconds, and it’s all about Betty Brant. Betty Brant is a Spider-Man character, who starts as J Jonah Jameson’s secretary, and moves on to be the Bugles top investigative reporter. She’s wicked smart, super assertive, and doesn’t back down (lady took on the Vulture with a gun in a book store, because no one else was stepping up). Betty Brant is in this movie too, and played by a pretty good young actress (Angourie Rice, who you can see in The Nice Guys). But, we only see her in the background, either as part of Liz’s crew, or doing a horrendous job on the morning announcements. She’s only really there as vague fan service, but why? (if you say it’ll be in a later movie, I will shout at you).

Why not have her be Peter’s best friend? We’ll get to Ned Leeds soon, but why not have his best friend be a smart, savvy, ambitious reporter, who’s trying to turn the school paper around. Suddenly, Peter can be a photographer, we can increase the number of strong female leads AND include a non sexual or romantic friendship between a man and a woman. She doesn’t have to be played by Rice either (Marvel had stated they wanted to include a great deal of PoC actors, which can still be accomplished here; there’s nothing that says she has to be white). There’s lore ties too, as Peter and Betty, after a failed relationship, become like brother and sister, always looking out for each other. Hell, she dates Flash Thompson for years, so that’s one more connection we can pull in to make the film a little tighter. Really the solution would have been to take another three passes at making these women strong, independent, characters. A lot of films don’t pass the Bechdel test (a barometer for female inclusion, essentially asking if two women have a meaningful conversation, that doesn’t involve, or allude to, the main male characters) Homecoming can’t even sign up for the exam with women portrayals like this. On another note, Betty Brant’s inclusion would also solve your Ganke Lee problem… what Ganke Lee problem you ask, the Ned shaped one.

4) Ned Leeds, the boy who would be Ganke.

Ganke Lee is the chubby, friendly, Asian, stalwart friend of Miles Moralas (who becomes the new Spider-Man after Peter dies in the Ultimate Comics universe). Ganke accidentally discovers Miles’ new secret identity, soon after the latter had begun his crime fight career… while building a lego and waiting for Morals in his bedroom… wait….

So Ned is a pretty fragrant rip off of Ganke Lee, but hey you know, we need to bring other people into the story, and it’s cool to give Peter a friend who knows his secret, so why is this a problem. Long answer, it’s not necessarily, because adaptation means you have to be open to new ideas, and the reshuffling of characters (if it suits the need), short answer, because who will be Miles’ best friend and confidant be now? This would be like taking Alfred Pennyworth, and having him work at the fortress of solitude. Ok, sure, there’s probably a good reason one could do this, and some benefits to the inclusion, but doesn’t it leave the pantry kind of empty when you want to do Batman’s origin inevitably? Miles doesn’t have the benefit of having… wow 9 Batman film adaptations, going on 10 (and that doesn’t include the serials). He won’t make an appearance until his animated film drops late next year, and now you’ve taken one of his key characters, and given it to a guy who has 60 years of friends? We could easily have stuck a Betty Brant, Rand Robertson, Harry Osborn, Deborah Whitman, hell Billy Conners has more claim. Even keeping him as Ned Leeds would work, but develop a new character for him, or take one from one of the many adaptations. Ripping off Ganke Lee and changing his name feels lazy, and robs a young, long wanted, fan favorite, of one of his closest compatriots. This one, I just don’t get.

I promise, we only have three points to go. Deep breath, here we go

5) Vulture’s gotta scavenge

There was a moment when I turned to my fiancée and said, that’s perfect, that’s how you set something up, that’s exactly what they needed to do. It was after the very first scene of the movie, when we are introduced to Micheal Keaton’s Adrian Toomes.

The Vulture and his crew are easily my favorite thing about this whole movie. I love (just about) everything here. I love the suit, I love the character, I love that the Vulture leads a crew of scavengers *be still my fluttering, symbolism loving heart*. The costume is insanely great; if the Green Goblin in Rami’s original Spider-Man had a costume that undercut the performance of the actor in it, the Vulture costume perfectly complements what Keaton is doing. Gone is the Adrian Toomes who designs flight suits and air craft, welcome the new Toomes, a construction foreman pushed too far by, who else, Tony Stark (shout out for doing a great job bringing Damage Control into the fold. Seriously, I goddamn love this).

Toomes is a blue color worker, getting hosed by the big men at the top. What do you do when the odds are stacked ever against you, change the odds. Toomes and his men start turning other people’s trash, into their treasure, and damn they’re good at it. The whole feeling of this is amazing and deep and wonderful. I love the style and look of the tech, that it’s strung together with hope and intellect. I wish they had called the Tinkerer (Mason in the film) the Tinkerer at some point, but he’s used so perfectly as a quiet genius, working behind the scenes to create some of the coolest, if not deadliest, tech we’ve seen.

The twin Shockers I was less thrilled by though. When I heard they were bringing in the Shocker, I was psyched. The Shocker is a hot and cold villain, depending on how you use him. Pillow Pete (as he has been dubbed by the Web Head) doesn’t always come off as someone to be taken seriously, but he can have moments of real greatness when used correctly. That said, and here’s some minor spoiler warnings, Give Me The Damn Costume And Powers! I wanted so much more by the end, I wanted the full suit (which I know they made) I wanted to concussive gauntlets that fire blasts that can level a building, I want the whole thing, not a guy with a glowy hand.

But we were talking about good stuff, so lets talk good. Michael Keaton continues his tornado of a resurgence here. The way he moves and speaks is so unnerving. He’s friendly, but disturbingly calm, a roiling intensity just below the surface. You know, from the moment he shows up that, even if he seems nice, you don’t want to mess with this guy. The way he just stands, the stance he takes, as if to say, I’m planted, you’ll have to go around, cause I’ll go through you, is just incredible. Every little detail of this performance is so top notch it hurts. His final monologue towards the end of the film (well really both of them) were some of the best villain moments we’ve seen in a long time from Marvel. Not since Willem DeFoe (I love Alfred Molina, but I think Keaton is better here) have we seen this kind of villain fight the web head. He’s dark and sinister, but in that special way all great villains are. I’m not sure it’s a true comparison, but there’s a similarity between Keaton’s Toomes, and Anthony Hopkins Hannibal Lector; both have this magnetism where, as an audience, all we want is to just watch them work. I don’t want to ruin the end, but his scene in the car might be one of my favorite moments in the MCU to date. The way we can always see his mind working, the relentless drive he exhibits, it’s just outstanding. All that, and he’s one of the most relatable, villains I’ve seen in a long time. My only complaint is the twist itself (not what happens after or because of it), but I won’t say any more.

6) Suits make the boy an Iron man (powers would have too though).

That was nice, everyone feeling more upbeat, me too… God I hate that suit.

The trailers have pretty well shown this, but for most of this movie, the conflict resides around Peter’s suit, an iron Man suit with a Spider-Man twist. It has an AI, built in parachute, web wings, spider tracers, spider drones, and like, all the web functions, and I hate it. I hate it, because it turns this from a Spider-Man movie, into an Iron Boy movie. Suddenly, this isn’t about Peter discovering how to use his powers and brain to problem solve, it’s about if he’s worthy to wear a suit. The suit was never what made Peter Spider-Man, and it never should be. The story has always been about the heart of a hero, and what it means to use it properly; not for self-gain, not to get your way, but to do real, honest good for those around you. Now, it’s about whether your mentor thinks it’s time to take the training wheels off the bike, and what happens to good little boys who steal daddy’s wrench to do it themselves. I hate this, I hate this with a white hot passion. It completely changes the tone and purpose of what could and should happen in the movie.

Let’s get some history: Peter Parker is a genius, not a smart guy, not a colloquial genius, like a real deal super brain. Guy comes in just under Tony Stark, Reed Richards and Hank Pym, for biggest good guy brain in the Marvel universe. This is important while Peter is crime fighting, because it’s as influential as any of his powers. Peter is a problem solver, and sometimes he gets it wrong, and sometimes he saves the world by plugging his brain into a super computer and out thinking it. Doc Ock himself (who’s no slouch on this whole genius thing) discovers this first hand when he takes over Peter’s mind and body (don’t ask). He looks at Peter’s mind, and wonders why he hasn’t done more with his gifts, not just his powers, but the pure intellect he has.

This bugs me because A: Tony’s not exactly the best person to be deciding if Peter should or shouldn’t do something, and B: Peter could have made all that gear himself. In fact, he usually does. In all other canons, Peter makes the web wings, the spider tracers, any drones he uses (though that’s more a Superior Spider-Man thing, what eves) and of course, the various web based devices.

Picture if you will, a different cold open to this movie. Peter is young, going to the Stark Expo with his Aunt (or maybe… PARENTS! DUN DUN DUNNNN!) He sees a big robot, and is almost killed before Iron Man swoops down and takes care of it “Great job kid!” Peter, stars in his eyes, goes home and plays Iron Man for weeks, but he’s not satisfied with his costume. He starts tinkering with any loose odds and ends he can get, grabs them from the trash, sneaks them out of school, sells his pokemon cards for that sick compressor he’s been wanting. Over time, Peter grows, developing lots of little gadgets. He has his own mini drone, has little tracers he can fire, designs goggles that can see in various spectrums, experiments with invisibility or on board computers, built in tasers or rapid fire golf ball shooter. Then, he gets bit by a Spider, and suddenly he’s Spider-Man. He’s developing web fluid, designing a costume, and goes out to crime fight… but he’s not really successful. He comes home, sees his old toys, and gets to work spider-izing them. Boom, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Yes he has a little Tony Stark in him, but it’s his gear, Peter’s designed and built it all by hand. There’s bugs, and sometimes things don’t work, so he has to rework them either in the field, or in his bedroom, but that’s a huge part of Spider-Man stories. He meets an opponent, fights, maybe wins, maybe loses, maybe draws, but he goes home and plans what he’s going to do better next time. We see his brain work, and the imagination on Peter Parker will blow you away if you give him the time. It’s never about a boy wishing he had a manual for all this stuff, or yearning to prove to someone that he’s worth their time (the Peter Parker I know doesn’t have time for other costumed heroes to tell him he has worth, he’s got giant robots to stop and mobsters to track down).

Combine that with an Aunt May that shows him being a hero means more than getting the praise and accolades of those around and above you, and you have an Uncle Ben free Peter Parker, who can still do all this, but he does it with his life and lessons and mind, not off the back of someone else.

Yes, this is a different movie, but one where we can explore a lot more, and where the motivation comes from a place closer to the lore, less from just thinking I’m Spider-Man so I have to do this. That’s not motivation, that’s a blank board at the end of a writers meeting. Tony Stark’s finger prints are way too pervasive in this movie, considering Peter got along great without him in so many other stories, it hurts to have them tied inextricably together.

One last note, I totally disagree with this idea that we needed to limit Peter’s powers. This could be a spoiler too, depending on your definition, so be warned. I don’t mean limiting what his powers can do, I mean taking powers away. Despite Kevin Feige’s insistence, Spider Sense is not a power in this Peter’s repertoire. He’s snuck up on constantly, has his identity found out because he doesn’t realize someone is in his room, dude can’t even web swing. This after we saw Peter have Spider Sense in the last movie too (sort of? It comes up, but it’s described as more that his senses are way too jacked up, and his goggles help filter it out, which makes me wonder why he doesn’t constantly have headaches out of his costume but hey, I’m probably overthinking things according to some).

By the end of the film, it feels like the only reason they didn’t use it, was because they didn’t know how to tell a story with it included. Jon Watts, the director, said he thought the previous films had over used this power, and wanted to stay away from it, but isn’t that kind of like saying, Batman has been doing a lot of detective work in his movies, maybe let’s stay away from that.

You can’t just take a power set out of a super heroes’ line up, it changes their character. You can change a power, or modify its use, but to get rid of it changes the way that character is and moves. Same goes for the complete lack of web swinging in this movie. I understand they wanted to see what Peter does without web swinging, and that’s a great scene, but why are we subjected to a web swinging-less Spider-Man throughout the film? Spider-Man shouldn’t drive ever, and did he really have to trash that whole neighborhood? You water down him, you water down everything around him, which makes it easier, but hey, so does faking injuries in sporting events. Saying any of this is over used, or we’ve seen it before, would be like saying Superman flies too much in his movies, let’s keep him close to the ground, have him take a cab, or an uber, that would be timely. It gave me this sense that this team didn’t know how to use his powers, or couldn’t come up with a creative way to rejuvenate them. I found this endlessly frustrating, along with the dips and drops in Peter’s super strength and durability.

How great would it have been to see this Spider-Man swinging through the city, fighting the Vulture in between the buildings of Midtown (or even Queens)? I found all the fights to be pretty lack luster, any good footage was used in the trailers (and I only really watched 2, not the last 20 they released leading up to the premiere), and the unused footage left me cold. I would have loved to have seen how Peter could handle the question of how do you fight a flying man, 1 mile above the earth. The finale, while it came close, still had a platform for them, what happens when it’s fight or fall? We won’t see, and that’s annoying. I also can’t let the scenes in Washington DC go, so again, minor spoilers for the rest of this paragraph. First, I don’t care if it is his first time being that high, you’re Spider-Man, you’re not afraid of heights, full stop. Second, Peter can lift a tank, but you’re telling me he can’t move marble or break bullet proof glass, that’s an impossible sell for me. Hard, hard pass.

Side note, I love web swinging, it’s a point where Peter is alone with his thoughts, and it shows us how he sees the city; it’s something we can only get in Spider-Man, and which I think is essential. I assume they will have it in the next movie, but I’ve made my feelings about presuming something will come as an excuse for it’s absence, pretty clear (saying we can figure that out later is how you get crappy movies).

7) Oh right, this is a film, with film criticism things too…

All this talk of directors, let’s talk about the movie as a movie. I decidedly did not love the filmmaking here. Having just rewatched Sam Rami’s best Spider-Man movies (no one needs to be subjected to S-M3) I found myself wondering why there wasn’t really any directorial flair to this one. I don’t love all of Rami’s decisions (fun game, watch Spider-Man 2, and count how many times a woman stares straight down the camera and screams hysterically, it’s… obnoxious), but at least there’s style and flair. As I watched Homecoming, I wondered when the camera was going to do something cool, or when there would be a shot that made me sit back and go wow, but it never happened. Everything felt very by comity on this film. There was also a lacking in the sense of real danger, for the people in this movie. No one really gets hurt, a guy gets hit in the head with a car that’s falling off a boat, and he survives; if your movie doesn’t have any teeth, I’m not going to buy into the danger your supposedly putting the characters in.

I also have a bone to pick with one very specific scene (this is a rant, skip to the next paragraph if you don’t care about how I feel vis-a-vis movie references). If you’re going to make a reference to another film, make it, and let it sit. You DO NOT need to immediately show the scene you’re referencing, while you’re referencing said scene! This is especially true if the scene in question is from one of the most popular movies of all time, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. That felt so cornball, like this whole film was made only for people who have never seen a movie older than 1995. Look at a film like Deadpool, which also referenced Mr. Bueller… Bueller. When they did it, they didn’t make a big deal out of making sure you know what this is from, they assume you’ll get the reference, you know, like you’re supposed to when referencing something. Even if you were taking a scene from an older film, like Metropolis, it wouldn’t be ok to show what you’re referencing on screen while referencing it; if people are confused or wonder, it’s their obligation as an audience member, to seek that information out. Stopping the film so we can all get on the same page about one of the most iconic scenes in cinema history is tacky, rant over.

On a more distinguished note, I also have to hit the film for its film score. I honestly didn’t even notice it was there; the entire movie could have been set over silence for all the impact the music had. This isn’t shocking (it’s Marvel, they want to be inoffensive in everything they do) but when people start talking about how your movies don’t have any particularly cinematic shots, and such bland music that you could plug the score from one film into any other with negligible differences, maybe it’s time to step up to the plate. It wouldn’t hurt the movies any to make them more cinematic, or to score them more dramatically, but they still don’t; this too is a head scratcher for me.

Quick spoiler warning for something stupid. I’ve already mentioned I LOVE web swinging, so imagine my disappointment when, after not having it all movie, Peter decides to steal a car, and the film becomes a BS car commercial for Audi for 10 minutes. This is the worst kind of product placement, and far, far worse than Peter using a Sony brand phone or Bing to look up spider bites. We actually get whole shots of just the dashboard screen, showing the stats of the car. This is just not an ok move, and really took any wind out of the third acts sails. He’s Spider-Man, he doesn’t drive. He had a car that climbed walls, and people asked WHY IS HE DRIVING! He’s going to steal a car, and drive across Queens? Seriously! Just, what the hell is this garbage?

And calling this Queens is nice. Nothing in this movie really felt like New York City. I live in NYC, and this didn’t feel like NYC really at all. The bodega and Peter’s neighborhood did to an extent, but any time they left that small zone, it completely stopped feeling authentic. It totally took me out of the movie, especially after all the iconic shots in previous Spider-Man movies, that were clearly filmed in NYC. I get it, the studios are in Atlanta, but Marvel made its bread and butter, in part, by setting their stories in real places. Film in the goddamn place you’re supposed to be, it’ll only make the film better.

Stay tuned for one last concept (it’s spoilery though, fyi). Before that, I’d like to wrap up with some positive things to finish out this whole… review? Diatribe? Diaview?

I loved Donald Glover in this film. He casually brought a lot of character and interest to a very minor role (I’ll also be interested to see if his nephew shows up, and who will be that nephew’s best friend; knowing Marvel, slate that for 7 years from now). For a film that felt over rehearsed and scripted a lot of the time, Glover feels like a breath of fresh air. His scenes felt like they had shot several improve takes, I was so grateful for that. Sir, you deserve a more cherry role, but I’m glad you were here to lighten things up.

I also genuinely liked the Bodega owner, and Peter’s neighborhood in general. I would have liked to have seen a lot more of that in the film than the school (I get it, this was supposed to be Perks of Being a Wallflower with super heroes, but why are we limiting ourselves?). It felt very vibrant, like the people in it all had their own lives happening off camera. I also was hoping that the incident at the bodega would be Peter’s wakeup call; his, I caused this moment, but alas, we saw how that went.

I liked the teachers at Peter’s school as well. I was really hoping for Martin Starr to refer to a time in grad school when he met The Hulk, sort of (Starr has a cameo in The Incredible Hulk as a student lab technician who lets Bruce Banner work on their computers in exchange for pizza, that’s a reference I would have loved to see here). I also really thought Tony Revolori did a great job with Flash Thompson. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about Zero from The Grand Budapest Hotel being a bully, but Revolori pulled it off fantastically. Every moment he was on screen was entertaining in the worst way, though I would have loved for him to be a Spider-Man fan; complicating that already tenuous relationship with Peter.

Overall, what I got wasn’t 100% bad, but the 70% that was, left me unsatisfied; not just because it wasn’t what I wanted, but because I could easily see how they could have done this story better. In my mind, it wouldn’t have taken that much more too really get some polish on this movie. I wanted more lore appreciation, but it felt like this was a film in protest of the history of the character, where different means better. Different doesn’t mean better, it means different, and if you had done a few things better, I think this would have been a much more satisfying inclusion to a world I think has gotten a little lazy in its success. Final score 3/10.

Spoilers ahead, like real deal ones.

Ok so check this out. At the end of the film we find out that Liz’s dad is Adrien Toomes (so she’s not Liz Allen but Liz Toomes? Still confused by this). It leads to an amazing scene where the Vulture slowly puts together that Peter is Spider-Man, in a moment people have been waiting for since the 1960s; a villain just adding up the numbers. Keaton’s look into the back, and when he pulls out the gun, holy shit it’s a great moment. I really truly loved this moment, but, I really don’t care for Toomes being the dad, here’s why.

Toomes says throughout the film, the reason he’s doing any of this crime work, is because they’re up there (the Tony Starks) and we are expected to take their scraps. Again, I freaking LOVE this idea, a class struggle in a super hero film, bring out the buffet trays I want to just gorge myself on this idea. When we see that Toomes is the dad though, that dynamic changes. The way he’s set it up, he’s a working class kind of guy. I imagine him as a single guy, small apartment, scrapping a living together (can you tell I have no idea what construction foremen make per year?). Now I see his house, and I realize, this is a man at the upper end of the middle class. He has a giant, glass house in the suburbs, that doesn’t feel like poor working class. Suddenly, it’s the upper end of the middle class fighting the super wealthy, and that doesn’t have the kind of weight that a blue collar, humble, down to earth guy, just trying to scrape a living, does. So I pose this idea, what if the second Shocker wasn’t the Shocker, but Molten Man, and he was the one at the door?

Some history, Molten Man is Marc Allen, Liz Allen’s half brother. He has a history of crime, and the ability to throw lava. What if the Shocker gauntlet was modified to fire blasts of intense heat, while also giving an element of super strength to the wearer? What’s more, Molten Man’s super hero costume is similar to Namor the Submariner (both dudes love the speedo). He doesn’t have an iconic look beyond being a gold man in his shorts, we can work with that much more than the Shocker, who has a defined look people will want to see.

So imagine, Bokeem Woodbine’s now Marc Allen comes to the door, and it’s revealed he’s Liz’s older half-brother, who lives at home to help pay the bills, with his mom and sister. Vulture can still be struggling through the class system, Shocker, now Molten Man, has a more important and indelible role in the story, we don’t have to deal with Shocker’s missing costume, and it’s more in line with canon, so fans can’t complain. We could still keep the scene between Toomes and Peter in the car as well, even add Woodbine’s character to the mix. A simple line about how Toomes comes to dinner every Friday, because of all the good he’s done for their family (think like a long standing family friend) and you’re golden. I would have enjoyed having a canon call back, and a full triple yoink reveal (Woodbine comes to the door, YOINK, Peter comes in and sees Toomes at the dinner table, DOUBLE YOINK, and he’s a family friend giving Liz and Peter a ride with her brother, TRIPLE YOINK!) not to mention it gives Shocker/Molten Man something to do in the third act, instead of his lackluster appearance and dismissal. I could be crazy, but this feels a little cleaner, and adds weight to each character. You make the struggle of these guys more evident, show that they are right there with Peter and May, just trying to get by, while maintaining their already strong villain personas. But hey, that’s me, I’m just a nerdy fan boy, nuff said.